That Feeling

Do you ever get a feeling that something is up? Maybe something unsettling? Or exciting? But either way, it’s so strong you can’t release it? A lot of people would say “what you talking about Willis?” Others would claim to be in touch with their “spidey senses”. Some would say it’s due to being an empath. I don’t know the reason or the correct terminology but what I can say is I’ve had enough situations that the feelings have turned out to be something.

Now if we were in Salem during the witch trials I’d probably keep my mouth shut because they would have probably wanted to see if I was a witch or not… either way I would have burned at the stake. Not a pleasant image at all, despite this recent cold front. Now adays I struggle and worry until the feelings pass… probably not the best method either.

In the past I’d love to shock people when I said “hey I had a dream you were pregnant”. Sometimes it wasn’t even a dream I just had a feeling. Every time I’ve said it though, I was right. Just as my friend Ahna whom I freaked out with such a question many moons ago. Or my friends Krysta and Adele with whom I share a gnat that tells us something or someone needs attention. No lie.

Now though with all the gloom and doom swirling around I feel weighed down. It’s as if society’s emotional pounds per square inch have bloomed into my core and now I lug it around with me everywhere. I can’t name it. I can’t explain it. But those that get it, get it. Those that don’t probably aren’t still reading. Do you feel it? The tear at our core? The visceral effect of all that is going on around us? That sense of foreboding that sends muscle marbles into your neck and shoulders and fires off sparks of migraines into your head and heart.

I woke up last night with a terrible sense something horrible had happened. As I lay in bed and cried for no reason I felt like an outsider watching someone else’s pain. As I shook so violently I thought I would set a fire in the bed, my husband said “how can I help”. Because he knows what it’s like for me. He has seen it enough to know how real it is. Fortunately everyone has checked out ok so far. But I’m waiting because I’m sure it’s coming.

In these times of pandemic and quarantine. Of illnesses that strike our bodies from all angles. It can be hard to stay grounded. To maintain sanity. I look for the small moments rather than the big ones. Like the little foot in reindeer jammies poking out from the hall closet while I watched my “mommy only” movie because someone didn’t want to be to far away. Or the smiles on my neighbors faces as we wave hello as we pass. Or the grace the teachers are giving my kids so they have a chance to succeed in this forced virtual world where we fight for TP and bandwidth equally.

Life is never easy all the time. Keeping our sanity requires us to remember that. And to look for the tiny toes in the closet.

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