“I don’t want to be here anymore.”Those words strike like a sharp blade through your soul when you hear someone you care about say them. Often times people assume when those things are said that people are being manipulative. Quite honestly though even if they are being manipulative, what’s the problem with that? Because if they are hurting so badly that they feel that this form of manipulation is the only way to feel and get the release that they need then I am all for it. I would much rather you manipulate me into paying attention to you and meeting your needs then you never saying a word and suffering in silence.
“I can’t promise you I’m not going to hurt myself.” Those words slash through me and I feel terrible for thinking but what would I do without you? Because this is an about me this is about the other. But yet my heart still yearns and says but what would I do without you? You have to be here we need you. But when someone is hurting they don’t think about that. They think they are putting someone else out of their misery. They feel like they are the burden to others and that they will actually be bringing peace and some sort of improved quality-of-life to those around them. They feel as though the emotions and feelings they have that are laying so heavily on them are felt at the same extreme as those around them.
“I just can’t do this anymore”. Saying I understand it’s like throwing a splash of water onto a burning inferno. Because how can I say that I understand when I’m not inside of your head? I have not walked in your shoes. I’ve not been in your space. Even if I have felt in a similar way, our feelings are immensely different. So no, I don’t understand. Tell me what it is that you are feeling, tell me what it is that I need to understand so that I can help you to no longer feel this way.
I watch you sit and suffer. I watch you pretend like you are OK. I listen to your words both said and unsaid. And I question what is the best thing to do. It’s hard not to be frustrated with everyone because no one has fixed, this no one has cured us, no one has made this any better. No one has gone out of their way to make the path that you have to travel any easier. There are lots of people with opinions. many of them not worth the earth they stand on. But some of them are helpful and solid and ones we want to hear. But when your heart is racing so loudly, it drowns out all of the other things going on around you. All I want to do is to keep you safe. To put you in some sort of emotionally protective bubble to keep you from feeling the thoughts that hurt your soul. From listening to the talk that makes you think you’re worthless. From experiencing the things that make your heart race and make you anxious. I want to draw away your pain and your suffering. To draw it away and then cast it away as if with a magical spell so that ceases to exist. Not to be thrown on someone else, not to be laid out there for someone else to pick up but simply to disappear.
The inability to help someone else could almost be as disabling as a person who needs the help. Because no one can really help us other than ourselves. People can give suggestions and support but in the end it’s up to those suffering to pull up our bootstraps and be brave enough to conquer those demons that are tearing us apart inside.
So come to me in your times of trouble. Come to me in your time of need. Come to me and say nothing and I will still hold you and help to set you free. You deserve happiness, you deserve to feel peace, you deserve to feel anything other than the numbness that creeps through you. I will fight this with you. And when you were not strong enough to fight it I will fight it for you. I will not let you go, I will not let it win. And you will not feel like a failure. Together we will face the darkness and find our sanity.
Keeping (in)Sanity 