My mom is best at… “sleeping and making me lunches”. My mom is happy when… “I am good and she can sleep”. Ummm see a theme? My youngest showered me with hand made gifts for Mother’s Day one of them being All About My Mom. While in years prior I have had “exercise “ “Diet Coke” and “wine” listed as favorites it would appear that as the years go by my affinity to cold pillows is more and more prevalent.
Mother’s Day… the mother of all days of pressure, of expectations, of desires for the seemingly most bizarre requests. Some of my friends requested “just to sleep past 6am”, others “for there to be no arguing”, and the one that made me laugh the loudest “to have everyone leave me alone for the day”. Our poor children and partners are weighed with the responsibility of making the day some sort of day of perfection. The day of honoring of the mother. I can remember ruining one Mother’s Day with my insolent behavior and being sent to my room. As if the pressure of being a well behaved child was what catapulted me into the she-devil of behavior that warranted such a horrible experience that day. As we planted flowers today and my younger two begged to play in the water I may have slipped that same “my day” phrase into my beseeching of them to not hit me with the flailing water guns.
My day? Says who? I’m only a mother because of these wonderful beings. These little cells that have grown into amazing, energetic, loving beings. Did I mention energetic? Our home knows no down time… they come by their energy quiet honestly and very much genetically. Perhaps it is I who should be honoring them.
Honoring the kindness and grace they show me as I juggle a job transition. The gentle reassurance as I eat dinner with my eyes closing from fatigue. The mid-day messages to say “I love you Mama” or “I’m proud of you for following your dream” are what propels me through those moments of overwhelming thoughts and feelings of exhaustion.
I see the kindness they show others. Their pure joy with our dogs. Their loving joking and play with each other… even the play first thing in the morning which makes me feel like i woke up in a blender. Their nonjudgmental understanding of the occasional dis-balance of our lives. These are good people. And they made me a mother.
Today as we sat at lunch I watched them struggle with feeling they “should” do an activity today. Something exciting. Something beyond fun. Thanks to COVID much of which now requires advanced planning and for a family that currently seems to live in 15 minute incriminates, planning is not our forte lately. I truly was happy with just knowing we were all near each other. Minus the hose incident and water gun side splash.
I was so ok, I even went to the pharmacy in my penguin pajama pants. Like, went into the store. One of the few times I have felt like masks are freeing. I picked out hair jel and pain medicine with never a care. In hindsight this may have been why no one wanted to go with me to the store…
I guess what I want to convey is, all the pomp and circumstance is great in theory, but not if it comes with an emotional toll on the ones doing the work. The purple roses and hand written notes are plenty enough. Not to say I’m returning any of the hanging plants or new flowers though and I already finished my tea. But today I realized, I just want my children near me. The long exhausting days are jetting by and I want just a moment longer to sit with them and just be.
So while I love to sleep. And am a bit of a high strung mom who needs to learn to slow her proverbial roll. I love these beings with every fiber of my soul. Each one making me grow and be more than I ever thought possible. And I genuinely hope they know the fierce love I have for them. And the undeniable gratitude that I have been blessed to be their mother. For they are what keep me on this side of sanity.
Love you A,C,J, and B… and the little dogs too.
To all the mamas by birth, by love, by friendship by however you may be blessed. Know that you are making a difference in the lives of all the children around you and that there are so many that look to you with adoring eyes… be it here on earth or from the sky. Two or four legged they know your love is fierce. #mamabears
Keeping (in)Sanity 