At some point in my life I have gone having 20/20 vision to feeling like I may be more blind than I realize. Having graduated to trifocals several years ago I thought I had reached rock-bottom in my vision. Then, I had to graduate to figure glasses so that I could see more. As you can see the progression there’s not one that induces positive self non-vanity related thoughts. But I have embraced my coming blindness with a smile and whenever possible to squint.
Being that I am terrified of my eyeballs to the point where I can’t even put drops in, even the thought of getting contacts is something that is off the board. Although I did ask, and was advised that given the state of my eye contacts would that be beneficial. Well there goes that idea. Now I have found myself squinting at my laptop and moving my head up and down to try to find the right focal point when trying to use my iPhone. Have I reached the point of having to increase the font? Or just admitting the fact that I am getting older and need to do something about it? I’m not sure I’m ready to embrace this “older“ thing. Especially given the fact that I usually act like a hyper teenager and really truly believe inside that I’m only in my early 20s. It’s only when it’s brought to my attention that I am “super old“ thanks to my youngest child or when someone is shocked that I have four children and a “your age“. Or when I do the math and realize that I will be almost 60 when my youngest graduates from high school.
This ensuing difficulty of seeing has made me acutely aware of the aging process. And I begin to panic. Have I done everything that I wanted to do? Have I been as successful as I have wanted to be? Have I visited all the places that I wanted to do? Have a climbed Mount Everest? Not that I ever wanted to climb Mount Everest but I probably should’ve considered it back when my body was willing to allow me to do such things rather than now when my thumbs don’t work efficiently and I have to go to physical therapy to stretch out the tendons so that they don’t hurt. Have I missed out on things that I will not be able to do now? I sort of feel like I should’ve created a bucket list when I was five years old so that way when I was sitting around on those weekends as a teenager and in my mid-20s and bored out of my mind thinking there was absolutely nothing to do, I could’ve gone to my bucket list and easily found something to do. Now, all I wanna do is take a nap.
You are only as old as you feel they say… well gosh then I must be ancient because some days I feel like my bones are just done. I count the greys making a unicorn horn in the center of my widows peak hairline and question if I should give over to the passage of time.
How vain does all of this sound? We are told to embrace the passage of time. Let me be quiet clear, this is not vanity’s lassoing me into a pity party. It’s a walk into the wall of life kind of moment. And being the klutz that I am, it’s not the first time I’ve walked into a wall…nor the second or third. Only required stitches once though, but that’s a different story.
Honestly, seeing would just be fantastic. Being able to spot a loved on from a distance. Read without having to ask my kids what the price tag says. Having once been able to spot things from miles away this is an insult to my eye integrity. I am very aware there are many more maladies that could strike me ill and cause me much worse suffering and for not having those, I am grateful. Perhaps this is more of a fear of the next stage of life than anything. All the other times before I wasn’t even aware of the significance of life stages.
So, I will make my optometry appointment. And enhance my lenses so I can continue to enjoy the smiles on my loved ones faces. The colors of the coming spring. And hopefully a good meme here and there. I have to embrace the changes, it’s the only thing to help keep my sanity.
Keeping (in)Sanity 